Jan 17 2013
In a move that has stunned the sports world, President Obama issued a late night decree and mandated a “Touchdown Tax” against the University of Alabama football team and redistributed 2 touchdowns to Notre Dame.
The 14 point tax, which Obama declared “equal and fair”, retroactively made the score a 28-28 tie – effectively allowing Notre Dame to maintain their #1 ranking and therefore assume the BCS National Championship title.
Obama phoned Alabama head coach Nick Saban and stated, “Those touchdowns, you didn’t score those.” Then, in an impromptu press conference, Obama further stated “We cannot allow hard work, talent and dedication to be rewarded. This goes against the American principals of equality that this administration is striving so hard to achieve.” He further stated that Alabama ’s excessive scoring was an example of “greed and excessiveness” before vehemently denying that this move was due to his disdain for the SEC, given Notre Dame’s proximity to his home town of Chicago .
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi applauded the move (as did Harry Reid and the entire ESPN broadcast team), and stated that she looked forward to coming up with more ways to tax the collegiate football system.